The Why

My world began to get very quite. Anyone who has grieved before knows that the quietness can be scary. No matter how hard I tried to remain positive it seemed like my world just kept crumbling. There was a lot of chaos going on in my life. In my previous blog I stated how our life completely changed in a matter of 2 months. Within those 2 months and the months following a lot of chaos started to creep into our lives. Little things that were happening were trying to scream louder than the true hurt and pain that me and my family were experiencing. I learned quickly what chaos try's to do is it try's to matter. And we let it. It distracted us, made us numb to truth and overrode our actions and emotions. I hated the feeling of what this chaos brought into our lives and I wanted it gone.

What I'm about to share with you in this blog challenged every part of my human existence. It reached the deepest part of my core and exposed the lies that I believed about myself and the God I believed in. I pray that as you read this blog it is not just my story you are reading but that you discover the truth and the reality of how much you are loved. Not the kind of love that we know as human beings but a kind of love that is unchanging. No matter what your situation is, whether you believe in God or not my hope is that this blog will help you in areas that maybe you have questioned yourself. But, before we move on will you take a second and read this prayer with me?

Hey God, thanks for being here with me. Even though I can't see you I have faith that I know you are with me and if I don't have faith help me become aware of the love you have for me. As I read this blog help me to discover the truth and reality of what love is. Help me to know you more and for me to know that you are real in my life. Help me to see what you want me to see and be open to learn more about how deep and how high and how wide your love is for me.

Amen.

Imagine with me, you see a bug in your house. If your anything like me when I see an ugly bug in my house I tend to freak out just a “little.” I remember one time there was a cockroach in my house, my husband was not home and my two little girls were only about 1yrs old and 3yrs old at the time. My first reaction was to scream and run. So I did, all 3 of us ran outside until mommy worked up the guts to kill this ugly bug. Before we went back into the house I noticed there was young boy about 7 yrs old playing. The light bulb went on. I thought, “what if I ask this boy if he likes to kill bugs and then maybe he will just kill it for me?” So I did and sure enough he loved killing bugs so we asked his mom if she wouldn't mind him coming over real quick to kill this bug. She chuckled of course and let him. So he came over and killed this ugly black cockroach for me and everything was great. But what happens once you've seen a bug? Even though the bug is gone and died you are still on the look out for another bug, Right? Now, I wish for every other bug story I had someone saved my day and killed the bug for me but that is not always the case. Either way I had to take a step back, breath and realize I am bigger than that bug and there is no reason why I can't show it who's boss. Same goes for the chaos in our lives. Chaos creeps in to distract us and makes us feel like everything is way bigger than it really is. The truth is there may be a real problem at hand that we have to deal with but that chaos is trying to matter and take our focus off the real problem. Here's the good news even though there might not be a 7 yr old boy that shows up to kill our bugs, there is ALWAYS someone there to kill our chaos. I learned two simple words while living in chaos “Ask God.” Sometimes all you need is a new environment to gain a new perspective and insight for the questions you need answers to. Ask him “God what is it that I need to do? Are you trying to tell me something? What am I missing?” Whatever you feel you need to ask him, he's there.

Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble....” then it goes on to say in verse 10 “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!” So this is what I began to do. BE STILL. When I started to intentionally practice this it was like I created this bubble in my world and the quietness that I was talking about started to happen.

Every now and then I'd give in to the chaos by indulging in meaningless conversations or trying to solve problems that seemed to never end. I quickly realized I had no strength, words or energy to run in circles with drama. I slowed down and limited my time with friends and stopped responding to the chaos through emails, social media, phone calls and text messages. I had a couple friends who would text me almost everyday to check up on me and I remember it would take me days, sometimes weeks and sometimes NEVER to get back to them. I was so blessed to have people who didn't expect anything in return from me and weren't afraid of my ugly chaos that was going on my life.

I intentionally started to change my environment. I took my girls out to parks, bike rides and out on walks. Then I began to intentionally change my physical appearance. I would look at my wardrobe and dislike what I saw. Before, I was so caught up in the way I looked so I went from getting ready everyday to embracing the simplicity of life. So here I was.

• Hair in a bun

• T-shirt and Jeans

• No jewelry

• A dab of powder on my face

• Mascara

• Eyebrow liner

• Chap stick or maybe lip gloss if I felt like being fancy

• High heels were out and Flats were in

I was okay with all this intentional change until I noticed there was one that I had no intentions of changing nor did I ever expect to experience. I realized after days and months I had absolutely NO desire to open up and read my Bible.

Here I was a girl raised in church, who can preach all day long how Jesus was my very best friend, nothing anyone could say or do could take me out of the doors of the church I grew up in since I was 10 years old, worked in full time ministry since I was 19 years old, would pray with anyone at the drop of a hat, I remember as a kid I used to dream about building a bedroom at the church, that's how much I loved being there and serving people. But I had not one answer for myself and nor did I believe the God that I had believed in for so many years cared about me. I was so confused. Sounds like an identity crisis right? Well in a sense it was, I was rediscovering Gina.

Things became very real and they became very real, very fast. I shut down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. How was this happening when just not to long ago like I stated in my last blog I was kneeling at the alter raising my hands in surrender and now I feel like this? None of it made any sense.

I was a delicate glass walking around and eventually my glass not just broke it shattered. I will never forget one day while we were still living with my parents a big argument happened between me and my family. Later that evening my husband and I went on a bike ride and my parents came to talk to us in the garage and I began to ball my eyes out. Out came the truth and I shattered “I wanted a divorce.” A couple days later I was at the park with my girls and on my way home my husband calls me and I was in a daze. He could tell I was not okay. He said “Gina what's wrong?” I pretended I was okay. He said “No, I'm not hanging up this phone, I don't care if we sit in silence I am not hanging up this phone with you” I started to say “I don't want to live, I want to be in Heaven and see Annabelle, I already know what life is like and I know you, my family and my girls” and I hung up the phone. I ran in my parents house handed the girls to my mom and ran upstairs and balled my eyes out. I fell into a deep and dark depression.

My husband got me some immediate help.

• Marriage/life Counseling

• Acupuncture

• Social Worker

• Went to a Bereavement grieving class

• Met with a friend who lost her husband

• Moved out of my parents house

• Read a book on boundaries...the list goes on.

For the first time in my life medication sounded very tempting, but I just knew my issues went deeper than what medication could offer me. (If you are on medication or need medical help please go get that help. God can use anything to help you in your situation. Everybody's story is different and will have different elements to it.) I knew deep down in my heart that even though I was honest with my family, husband and to the people who I went to for help. The last person I wanted to be honest with was God. I had only one question running though my head and the question was WHY?

All these years growing up I would hear from pastors to never ask the question why, because on this side of Heaven we will never know and you will spend your time running around in circles and it will do you and your family no good” Before, all this made so much sense to me and I would give this same response if I knew someone going through a hard time. But this time now that I was the one faced my own struggles I couldn't help but ask the question why? I was so scared to ask though because I thought it would prove that I didn't have faith or that it would open my thoughts up to thinking really negative. The truth was I was already way past that point. So my why quickly changed into “Well, Why NOT?”

Immediately I thought about my two girls and every other kid and how they are notorious for asking the question Why? And if you're a parent you know that if they don't get a good enough answer they will keep asking the question why until it makes sense to them or until they find out for themselves. My daughter Cadence who was 5yrs old when Annabelle passed, came to the hospital to visit us and without any thought she had two questions for us “Why did Annabelle die and Where is she?” She wanted truth and she wanted it now. I saw bravery in my daughter that day. She knew she could come to her mommy and daddy in a very real moment and not even hesitate with the questions running through her mind. In that moment my husband and I made a vow that we want our girls to know they can always come to us with questions. We may not have all the answers but we were going to try our very best to help our kids walk through life situations. There comes a point though when we grow up and as a mom and dad our kids are not always going to have us for every situation.

My parents at the time when I was going through all of this were hurting too. I was trying to understand my pain from my daughter's death and my parents were seeing their daughter want a divorce and die. To call on each other for help was very hard. And obviously me relying on myself was doing no good because if all I had was my own strength then I know I would have ended up in divorce and/or suicide. I only had one more shot and I took it with God. My WHY was my surrender and in my WHY was when the depth of my pain was exposed too!

“God Loves when we become Real with Him, so He can Become Real to Us”

So that's what I did. I came face to face with God. Real emotions and real questions. I was holding nothing back. I was taken back to when I was a teenager leading into my adult years. I remember almost every night I had a routine. I would stretch, do some push ups, crunches, practice my dance routines, and then once I got upstairs in my room I'd get out my journal and write letters to God. I would usually start with complaining about drama, like boys, parents, sister issues or school problems that happened within my day and it never failed every letter would end in letting go of the drama and thanking God for helping me through the situation. Right then, I knew it was time for me to pick up a pen and paper again. So I did.

I would flip back and forth and at times I could feel God's loves and at times I was completely empty. I knew nothing was tangible yet. But I already started the process and I was determine to find out truth. So, the why's began. I had no idea I would share my why's with you one day but I feel so confident that what I walked through was not only for me it was for you too.

The more and more that I asked the more and more God continue to pour out his love in truth. I remember weeks and months would go on and I would tell my husband “I feel like I can see clearer and think clearer” I was not afraid of the unknown anymore. The reality of God is to love me. He would constantly remind me during this process and still till this day that in Ephesians 3: 16-20 “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from who, his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of this glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

God wants you to know how much he loves you and care for you. It's time to start popping your bubble of all your doubts and unbelief's.

Let the why become what's normal in your life and in your home. When we did this it freed us up to know that we don't know and we don't have all the answers. The pressure we used to put on ourselves and kids to be pretend, put on a fake smile, get happy, and tell everyone how perfect our world is, is SO overrated and Untrue. This is true grace. To know we can come to our Heavenly Father without limits and without man's opinions. My faith is not based on how much good I do but instead on when I fail I know who to fall to. I want to fall every time into the arms of my heavenly Father, the one who loves me, holds me close, and who is safe and always secure. The one who's love is unchanging.

Ephesians 1 7-8 NLT says “He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ, everything in heaven and on earth. “

I'd love to pray with you one more time and encourage you. If you've never accept Christ as your personal Lord and Savior will you? If so, I'd love to read this prayer together. Will you take a second and read this prayer with me?

God I recognize that I have not lived my life for you. Thank you for coming to this earth to die for me. Forgive me of my sins. I ask you to come into my heart, wash me, cleanse me and make me new and whole again. Today I make this covenant with you to be my personal Lord, Savior and Friend. I want to thank you that as I step into this new life I will no longer be controlled by sin but come to know you more and desire you in my life. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

I want you to know what you just did was the most important decision you could have ever made. God is so proud of you and loves you so much. I'm so excited for you. I pray God continues to become real in your life and you will experience freedom like never before.

I want to leave you with this to listen to. It's the most beautiful realization of God's love I have ever heard let this bring hope and encouragement to you in whatever you are facing. Enjoy it.