What Could Have Been...

Have you ever experienced a simple ordinary day and right in the middle of it life surprises you with a thought about what your life could have been like? Have you noticed these thoughts can cause either regret or sadness or it can do exactly opposite and cause you to be in complete gratitude and joy? 

Today life approached me with this very thought. I have officially entered into a new season of my life. Both of my girls are now off to school full time. I've gone through so many different thoughts and emotions about this new season which I am currently writing about in another blog. But I wanted to take just a moment and hit pause on that blog as I jot down the thoughts that greeted me today. 

If you've read some of my previous blogs then you know two years ago we lost our third baby girl Annabelle Grace as a still born. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but it's not everyday that I have a moment like this. So when I do, I take time to embrace it. 

If I really think about this season of life I can’t help but think about how it has come up too soon. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. If we didn’t live in an imperfect fallen world thoughts like this wouldn’t exist. If there was no such thing as loss then technically I should have a two year old little girl right now. I would still be that mom with a little one at home while her big sisters are at school. It's a bit hard to think about because even though that is what my life should have looked like, it just isn't. I don't have a two year old to physically hold, chase after or to cuddle with. 

I know many of you have endured thoughts like this. Maybe a loved one of yours passed too soon, maybe a marriage ended too soon, maybe the career of your dreams ended too soon, maybe an injury occurred that cause you to never play your favorite sport again. 

This past week I have sat with two very close friends of mine. One just lost her 26yr old brother and another friend is in the midst of loosing her dad. As I've seen my friends and talked with my friends my heart can't help but grieve with them. 

The questions that consume our minds in a tragedy causes us to look at life differently. It challenges us in ways that we have never been challenged before. For some, it causes you to slow down just so you can become aware of your surroundings and to hold on to life a little bit more. For some, it causes you to push through any obstacle that comes your way and that tragedy that you endured somehow fuels you to want to never repeat history again. For some, it may cause you to grow weary, weak, brittle and distant from all that this life has to offer and life begins to feel completely empty and hopeless.  

Our life is not promised tomorrow. Everyday is a gift. As morning comes and night falls we have no way of predicting what life will bring our way. Our life display's a reflection of who we are and what we believe about ourselves. The reflection may be hard at times based on the expectations we put on ourselves. Not to mention maybe the expectations we think others have of us. It's not by accident that we are here, as we are here for a purpose and for a reason. I remember finding this very thing hard to believe at one point in my life. The fact that my life actually means something was hard to find. I know it's easy to get caught up in the routine of life and the those expectations that I was talking about can become very overwhelming. But today I was blessed with a gift. In the midst of my friend who is loosing her father I was able to watch her two year old little girl. What turned out to be a blessing for them turned out to be one of the biggest blessings for me. What I love about blessings and giving is it works both ways. Just as much as my friend needed some help today so did I. Somewhere in the midst of trials, hardships, and pain is beauty. And today I got just a glimpse of what my life could have been like. I chose to not live in regret or sadness but I chose to embrace gratitude and joy. In the midst of loosing a life, one of the hardest things to face is the reality that life is in constant movement. As much as we don't want to it to continue on, it must.

I love the scripture that's says... 

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It is so true. What if we can live a life for Christ and know to die is gain. What an amazing life we can have with this perspective. To know that when we die it is really a gain. We pass on from one life to gain an even greater life full of freedom. 

My friends, today may not be an easy day for you. I want you to know that you are not alone. If you are experiencing a loss of any kind I want to encourage you to not loose hope. When you can, take a minute for yourself and do something you normally wouldn't do for yourself. I know it's hard to walk away for just a minute, but if you take the chance I believe you will find hope again. 

It has been so long for me since I have had a little one with me and I am so glad I took a minute for myself to say yes to this day. I am so glad that in the middle of an ordinary day blessings come as a reminder that life is precious. Life is worth living. I pray that through your pain you too find a life worth embracing and living out loud. I am praying for you and I want you to know that you are loved. 

God bless you my friend.