Grieving Brings Healing

Woke up early, did my hair, got dressed (thank God) put make up on, put a smile on my face and snapped a picture. Engaged with people today, met new people and enjoyed it. Why am I telling you this? Well, because Grief can cause us to not want to do any of these things and guess what? That's okay. I had a day yesterday where I sat in mismatch clothes, with no make up on, didn't wash my hair and cried A LOT. Both examples are part of the process. Neither is right or wrong and neither is positive or negative.

When we went through our first loss, my husband and I attended a Grief and Recovery class that the hospital offers for families who have lost a child. One of the questions was this, "Do you believe there is a wrong or right way to grieve?" I answered "Yes!" Expressing how anything that is negative must be wrong and anything that was positive must be right. Such as, if I was depressed, suicidal, wanting a divorce, questioning anything and everything...I thought that was all negative ways to grieve. Positive ways I thought were thinking good thoughts, telling people how good I am doing, going back to work with a smile on my face and picking up right where we left off. The person leading the class said "have any of you had any of those thoughts that Gina mentioned?" Everyone in the room said "yes, I have had suicidal thoughts, I went through a divorce, I am depressed etc..." Then the person leading the group said "let me tell you, there is no wrong way or right way to grieve." I left with so many thoughts going through my head because the truth was I felt ALL of those feelings I had expressed, I just didn't know I could express them or even feel them. For days I have thought about everyone in that room and how they expressed their heart so freely. What I saw was healing and freedom in their eyes. Instead of questioning anyone, I chose to listen and from that one experience I learned. I learned everyone goes through a process and it's not about right or wrong. 

I thought to myself "How naïve and prideful that I thought this way" but really it set me free. Free in such a way that I felt I had to come to terms with my own thoughts and emotions and be honest with the reality and truth of where I was at in my life. l thought to myself "if I am not honest with those thoughts, they will only keep growing until I actually take action to one of those thoughts or I will live a very unhappy life" dealing with all other kinds of issues and then as I grow old I would think "how did I end up here?" I started to see the unhealthy perspective and in that moment I had to choose to lean into this truth and reality that I had going on with myself. 

The beauty was when I expressed my thoughts my husband was not afraid of any of it. But guess what? Shortly after I went through my process he then went through his. And now it was my turn to not be afraid of his process. It was so hard. Because we realized neither one of us could fix each other, but we could be there for each other with an open mind and open soul to allow this freedom in creating honesty in our life, for the rest of our lives. 

Honesty changed EVERYTHING. 

Had ONE of us made the choice to not move forward in these areas our story would NOT have played out this way. 

In a marriage two people must be willing. At times one is pulling the other. In fact we are hardly ever strong at the same time. We have moments where we are both strong BUT most of the time when I am weak Ryan is stronger and when he is weak I am stronger. But ideally when neither of us are strong (which happens) we know God is always there. How do we know He is there? Because we talk to him just as we talk to a friend. The beauty in discovering what honesty did in our own lives opened us up to be so honest with God and realize He can handle ANYTHING. God has heard it all and I think because we've been fed lies from man or religion we had such a closed mind to not even allow us to be real with God. I wrote this quote in a blog I posted a few years back and I said "When we become Real with God He becomes Real to us." It's true. Too many of us deny God even exists and to be honest we did the same thing for a time walking through all the pain and junk that we walked through. But it didn't matter how far we ran or how much we yelled, cussed at or denied him, HE was STILL there. We make God out to be WAY more complicated than He really is and all He wants from us is to invite Him into the process. He's not there to pound us into the ground or stop blessings from getting to us because we didn't do x, y and z. He just wants us to come to Him undone and show us the loving father that He is. His Beauty is always there. His Hope is always there. We just have to be willing to pay attention to it. 

Some people do and some people don't but at some point we must. Our life is all worth something and we all have something to give.  Nothing ever goes to waste and we've learned to endure the hard times because we know it is within those moments something will rise above our situation and it will be worth it ALL. 

We've experienced it first hand, the beauty to embrace it all. Here we are still standing and choosing to do this all over again. To walk through another loss, but this time our faith and our love for one another will not be shaken. Marriage is a series of these kinds of events and when you find someone who is willing to walk through one event after another...oh my friend, the possibilities for you and your spouse are endless. 

It takes time. It takes work, both individually and collectively. It takes being uncomfortable, and it takes being honest with yourself and one another. It is a messy process, but the process is worth it all. 

Invite yourself into the messy process. Invite God into it too and invite others with whom you can trust to walk through the process with you too. It is so important to not walk out this process alone. You don't need to do what we do and feel like you have to share with the world, but you can share with a friend or someone who is able to help walk through the trenches with you. 

Grieving effects everyone no matter if your married or not, have kids or no kids, have family or no family. It effects everyone so differently. Once you've opened up your heart to grieve and heal you will be able to see other people in a different light too. It is truly amazing the gift that is hidden when honesty begins. Allow honesty to become real in your life and watch the healing process begin for YOU.