He Knows.

He Knows. 

It was Friday, May 6, 2016. Yup, just two days ago. I just picked up my little girl from preschool and came home real quick before I had to run out again to do some Mother's Day shopping. I'm never sure when emotions are going come for a visit. They show up unexpectedly and unannounced. However, I have caught on to a slight pattern and noticed they usually catch me when I'm a bit overwhelmed and thoughts are running wild and I can't seem to catch a breath. But here they were knocking on my throat. I tried clearing my throat but they kept knocking and decided to come by and say a quick hello. 

My daughter was laying on my bed as I was finishing up getting ready and I just broke, yup tears came streaming down. Mylee came over to check on me and gave me a hug and then walked off to let me have some time. About 10min went by and I got up and looked at myself in the mirror and did a little self talk. I learned this a while back that in order to keep moving forward in this beautiful life I've been given I have to take a moment and encourage myself. I mean let's face it when emotions hit us who's around? Usually no one right. All you have is you to face and in that moment we must realize there is a big world out there that needs us. Someone, somewhere needs to hear your story and needs to be encouraged but that can't happen until you encourage yourself. So that's what I do. It is more than just encouragement though. Along with my self talk I have a conversation with God too. Because (part two) in this realization of this "let's face" moment I can encourage myself all day long but I've realized too there are just some days where I don't even have the strength to do that. So that is when God steps in. He has a way about doing the unimaginable in any situation. He has a way of reminding us that He is God and that He is in control. I trust Him because He has taken me from a place of feeling all alone not knowing how in the world I could move forward in anything to showing me how in every moment He is there. He carves out every little detail and whenever we decide to realize where he's been He will show us. So I do, I trust Him with my life and on this specific day I was trusting Him when nothing made sense. 

My first errand was stopping at Hobby Lobby. I ran in thinking "I'll be in and out" haha Yeah right! It's Hobby Lobby I have to walk around and see what is 50% off. So I did. I found what I needed and then I found a little something extra. I found something for ME. A little black/white/gold crown picture that was 50% off. Crowns are something special to me so I grabbed it and proceeded to the checkout line. I was standing in a line that was taking a bit long so I moved over and stood in another check out line. I was unaware of really anything as I was already thinking about where I was going to put this cute crown in my house. I love seeing my little Annabelle in ways no one else can see and try to imagine what she would look like today or how we would look as a family of 3 girls. But these specials finds of little crowns help remind me that she goes everywhere with us. I see her just in a different way. 

So here I am, working through all my thoughts as a very subtle moment happened. I see this sweet lady bend down to give my little girl a pretty pink box with a pretty gold ribbon around it. She said "give this to your mommy." So Mylee turned and said "here mommy." I was kind of taken back and didn't know if this pretty pink box was for my daughter or for me. I said "is this for me? It is so pretty." She said "Happy Mother's Day, I had this in my purse and made it and saw your sweet girl standing there and knew I had to give this to you." I was so grateful that I said "I have to give you a hug, thank you, this truly blessed me today." We said our goodbyes, I checked out, got in my car and sobbed again. 

In the midst of one day. One moment. Someone came along and so tenderly said "Happy Mothers Day" without knowing one thing about me and she lit up my day. It is within these moments I quickly realize how God, well, He knows. This sweet lady had no clue what my day was like but God did and somehow our paths crossed to remind me that He knows, He is present and He cares. 

Mom's on this Mother's Day there may be a void in your heart. I know I have one. I have a place in my heart that will never close. A place in my heart that remains open. People tell me all the time how blessed I am to have two little girls and I must admit I am. But I must say a loss is a loss regardless. A loss can't be compared to anyone else's loss because no matter what there still is a place that lays deep within and the truth is no one will ever know how deep that hurt goes and that is okay.  

I have had a song on repeat this past week and I'd like to share the lyrics with you. There is a part in the song that I cling to and it is 

                                                    "Wounds that no one else has seen

Hurts too much to show"

In all of us are wounds, wounds that no one else has seen. Those wounds hurt. You move forward in life and begin to live again but I believe those wounds are there to help us never forget how far we've come. Some of you may be in the midst of a very fresh wound and some of you may be years into it but it feels as though your wound is still raw and exposed. I want you to know. He knows. Along the way He wants to show you He cares for you. Beauty surrounds us, miracles surround us. I'm so glad I decided to go to Hobby Lobby on Friday and unexpectedly change checkout lanes to meet a very sweet lady named Kelli. God's Beauty and Miracles surround us everyday. God has a way of showing us. Usually it's when we are not even searching or even aware until it catches our eye quick enough to realize He is there. 

This little pretty pink box with some yummy chocolate holds a very precious meaning to me on this Mother's Day. I will never forget this moment and I share it with you to know God hasn't forgotten about you. He loves you and cares deeply for you. He knows.

Enjoy reading these Lyrics and if you want to enjoy listening to the full song click on the link below.

P.S.: Annabelle, mommy misses you and loves you. We are another day closer.

  "He Knows" ~ Jeremy Camp

All the bitter weary ways

Endless striving day by day

You barely have the strength to pray

In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been

How deep the pain within

Wounds that no one else has seen

Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between

And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]

He knows

He knows

Every hurt and every sting

He has walked the suffering

He knows

He knows

Let your burdens come undone

Lift your eyes up to the one

Who knows

He knows

He knows

We may faint and we may sink

Feel the pain and near the brink

But the dark begins to shrink

When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between

one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken

Every time that you feel alone

He is near to the brokenhearted

Every tear

He knows

He knows

[Chorus]

Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful moms 
noticed and unnoticed 
you are a mom 
and you are loved. 

If Only...

These two words used to be part of my vocabulary frequently. 

• If only I had more money.
• If only I had my dream job 
• If only I could cook
• If only I could go on a vacation 
• If only I could be a better mom
• If only I was smarter 
• If only I was prettier 
• If only I was healthier 

I would stumble with doubt. Doubt within myself that I could possibly do something significant with what I did have. Sound familiar?

The other night I was standing in my two bedroom apt cooking dinner in my tiny kitchen. Not just a microwaveable dinner but there I was kneading dough. My counter was full of kitchen gadgets, seasonings and my handy dandy cookbook. I stood there with this overwhelmingly contentment realizing I was probably doing way more in this tiny kitchen then most people would do in the grandest of grand kitchens. I realized my contentment was not wishing for this huge kitchen to cook in but instead I stopped for a moment and smiled as I was utilizing what I had in that very moment to execute my dinner plans for the night. Now, do I desire and imagine myself cooking in a bigger kitchen one day? You bet I do. But should that stop me from cooking in the kitchen I have now? NOPE. That would be silly. 

What if we take this thought a step further? Think about something that you are building currently or hoping to build soon. A career? A family? A new home? Etc...

For me I applied this thought within another area of my life. My blog for instance. I enjoy writing and I enjoy creating. And yes, of course I have "if only" moments within my blog. I have dreams and aspirations to create so much more. However, if I am constantly focusing on my dreams of the future I will never achieve my goals for right now that will eventually lead me to my future dreams. Through this process of building a life I love I have learned no time is wasted when you are fueling your dreams with daily attention and action. It may seem like nothing is moving fast enough but trust me progress only happens when action is activated.

Just as much as I daily have to apply myself toward my dreams I also have to daily remind myself "to stop trying to cut out the middle ground" It's like I still battle with wanting to skip to the end. I think we all battle with this from time to time. There are times in our lives that I’m sure we wish the very thing we are dealing with we could skip and wish we didn't have to go through it at all. But can I just say what I have learned stepping into this new thought process of appreciating my life day by day vs. a life full of if only's is that, no matter what I do the middle ground can't be skipped. 

Think about a story. The middle is just as important as the beginning and the end in fact I believe the middle is the most important. The middle determines where you are going and where you are headed. The middle is where you build your stamina to reach the finish line without any hesitation. The middle is where you are grinding day in and day out. 

Allow yourself to build your story. Something I am encouraging myself in, and I will encourage you with the same, is to pay more attention to the middle ground.  

I know this is a hard one BUT, realize that we live in a social media world where it is so easy to fall into the trap of comparison. Therefore we base our assumption on a snip of somebody else's highlight reel. I love what Steven Furtick quotes in his book "Crash The Chatterbox" 

I'm here to tell you "don't get consumed with people's highlight reel." Why? Well, because you don't live their story. That's the end of that story. Instead, daily engage in the process of your story. Why? Because you live it and only you have the power to activate action in your life so that today produces more than yesterday. If you do nothing today then tomorrow will look like yesterday. Most of the time we ourselves get in the way of our own story. I wrote this in a post I posted earlier this last week and I will share it again here on my blog:

Do you find that sometimes your own self gets in the way of pursing your dreams? You find yourself thinking to much. Trying to formulate every which way possible on how to take the next step which can lead to only you contradicting the thoughts going on inside your own head. You wrestle with your own voice, uncertain on how to shut yourself up. 
*Sometimes the only one stopping you is YOU. No one else but YOU.
 
Although, we are complex human beings trying to find our way through this maze of life, it is inevitable that we ourselves are our own worst enemy. These may be facts but they don't have to be truths. The real truth is just as much as we can get in the way of ourself we also have the power to deactivate this thought process and create a new thought process. So how do we realign ourself to see progress? I say TAKE ACTION! You don't know anything about yourself if you don't get out their and try it.
 
Trust me I get it. I'm wrestling with this very thing as I'm typing this post but let's discover this together. Only we have the ability to unleash all that we are capable of. This life is no one else's responsibility but ours. Let's own it and let's be GREAT together.

Everyday is a new day. The decision is up to us. Ask yourself these two questions...

1. Am I working towards more? 
2. Am I feeding my soul and grabbing onto everything I can to know more and achieve more? 

Hopefully you answered YES! If not, ask yourself how do I change my answer to a YES? 
The more life I am experiencing I have noticed these so called "if only" moments are diminishing. Can I just say WOW, what a good feeling this is. I must admit it is a very good feeling to appreciate my life not based upon what I don't have rather than what I DO have. This way of living has freed me from paying so much attention to what others expect from me or even my own expectations I put on myself. But rather I have focused on the present moment NOW vs. Before or After. (Tip: I do a lot of self talk and tell my brain to SHUT UP most of the time). Try it. 

Friends let me leave you with this...

Whatever it is that you desire keep applying yourself DAILY. Stay committed for the long haul in this venture of pursuing your dreams DAILY. By doing so you will appreciate your life and the things you have now. 

Have a great day All! 

Overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed.

This word seems to be replaying in my head over and over again. I don't know about your world but it seems once I start thinking of something that thing begins to pop up all around me, so graciously posing the question "okay so this is your reality and so what are you going to do about it?"

I was looking on Instagram and saw a post that went like this "feeling overwhelmed? Here's a tip--Just smile... for no reason at all." Another day goes by leading me to talk and meet up with friends and it seems to be a trend in their world too, this overwhelming feeling. Another day goes by I go to work engaging in conversations with college students saying "I finished college, now going on interviews and these jobs are wanting 5 years of experience...as they just forked out thousands of dollars to go to college, spent the last however many years attending school and now places want 5 years of experience in the workforce...OVERWHELMING, right? We all experience these overwhelming moments in many different ways shapes or forms.

Last night I vomited on my husband not literally but figuratively speaking. I poured out my thoughts and emotions about feeling overwhelmed. There definitely was some tension and friction as I expressed my world to him. He so graciously heard me out and said "I love you." Not really the words I was looking for because let's face it as a woman in an overwhelmed state of mind "love" just an't the cure. OR IS IT?

Hear me out for a second. My marriage isn't perfect. I can already hear woman saying "gosh I wish my husband told me after I vomited on him that he loves me." Let me say this, my husband and I learned years ago, VERY early on into our marriage to create a safe place. What is a "safe place?" Well it's a place that we created to allow each other to be real, honest and very open about the reality of life. At first THIS "safe place" was SO hard. We argued...A LOT. Have you ever heard the saying "things get worse before they get better?" Yeah well, that was the case. Our safe place was worse before it was ever able to get to get better. BUT if you can push through the worst, the reality is you will experience something better. It takes a lot of practice but it only works if you keep doing it over and over again. Anyway, this is not a marriage blog but somehow I felt this was all worth sharing. Let me just close out this thought by saying this, Ryan and I did not create this way of communication on our own. We had help. LOTS of it. I've mentioned two people's names before in a previous blog "The Process" and I will mention them again. Our very dear friends Sean and Lina Flannagan help people discover their "safe place" as individuals and as a couple and I will swear by their technique till the day I die. It's available to anyone, so if you want it here is their info.

Contact: Solid Life International @ Lina@solidlifeinternational.com 

So back to feeling overwhelmed.

After my little pow wow my husband and I went to sleep. This morning, I dropped off my girls at school. My last stop was my daughters preschool and as I walked up to drop her off her teacher right away asked "are you okay?" (Yeah I'm THAT person who wears my emotions on my sleeves.) My response "I just have a lot on my mind, I have a ton to do and don't know where to start." Her response was "start with what needs to get done first, whatever needs your attention first is a good place start and everything else will get done one way or another." That right there resonated with me so clearly.

So instead of moving on with my to do list I did the necessary duties and took a pause out of my day for me. I turned into my favorite spot and got me a Mocha and an San Diegan Omelet at a near by coffee shop and allowed myself to express all my thoughts on paper. What needed to get done first was to feed my body and soul. I've learned a lot about myself by doing this. I know this may not be the case for you. Your world may look different than mine. There was a time when I had NO time whatsoever to take a morning to myself let alone even a couple hours. I was busy taking care of a newborn, running a ministry, planning event after event, and my time was swallowed by a million other projects. There are times and season where your world changes. You may have a couple hours to do certain things and then you may have no hours to do anything. The key is "what are you doing now to feed your body and soul?"

Is it taking an hour to go to a gym, stopping through the drive through to pick up your favorite drink at Starbucks, is it calling your best friend for 10min, is it reading your favorite book until you fall sleep at night, is it studying a course that will get you to where you want to be. These things won't FIX the overwhelming feelings but it will fuel you to push through those overwhelming moments that don't seem to end.

When we recharge ourselves the better we will be able to face these overwhelming moments to realize they aren't so overwhelming at all. I love how simple the Instagram post I stated earlier put it "smile, even if you don't feel like it." HA. Right? Try something that doesn't necessarily feel like the thing to do but it's the necessary thing to do in order to fuel you to moving forward.

Friends, don't let the overwhelming moments overwhelm you. YOU have the power to overwhelm those moments with the overwhelming greatness that YOU ARE! Create space in your world for you and love yourself. My husband's response by simply saying "I love you" made me think not only does his love matter in my world but my love toward myself matters too. Take time to love on yourself today. You are worth it and your overwhelming moments will appreciate it.

Have a great day my friends.

Through the Eyes of a Friend

When you have no words to say.

When you're approaching a date that altered your life in such a way that is so hard to describe.

When each day is passing and your days are fading.

When your thoughts are quickly racing and seem overbearing.

When you're lost and confused and sometimes incapable of knowing what to think.

When the very moment you have come face to face with a rush of emotions that are being tossed like a wave to and fro.

A friend comes by to pick up the pieces to fill your heart with an unfailing love.

A gentle touch that causes you to pause, then begins to tell you, you are loved, cared for and the very thing you lost is not forgotten but remembered. You find this immediately awakens you to step into a new outlook and view that maybe you've once heard before but you just needed to be reminded of again and again.

You find yourself open to hear your story but not through your eyes but through the eyes of a friend.

So here I am face to face with Feburary 15. The day I gave birth to our third daughter Annabelle Grace. Her birth was different then most but yet like so many, not letting out a single sound, a still birth that so graciously left the deepest imprints on our hearts. As she went from our arms to the arms of her Heavenly Father she left us with a new way of thinking and a new way of living. We are so thankful for her life as it gave us a new life. In previous blogs you've heard parts of our story but now I'd like for you to hear from a very dear friend of mine, as she displays beauty through the eyes of a friend.

Kristin Merwin thank you.

Annabelle Grace, Happy 2nd Birthday. 

Mommy, Daddy and your two big sisters Love and Miss you.

Please click on Kristin's link below to read her blog. Also you can stay up to date with Kristin on Instagram @themerwinzoo and keep up with her beautiful photography (pictured above) @kristinmerwin

May her blog bless you and encourage you and maybe even a friend or two.

Click Link Below

http://themerwinzoo.blogspot.com/2016/02/when-words-fail-you.html?m=1

Living in an Upside Down World

Could you imagine if we had this life we are living all figured out? I mean I know sometimes I personally wish I knew what was in store for me and my family 10 years from now. Heck, sometimes I wish I knew what today held. But I don't. Some days my plan of action goes as planned and some days I am like "what just happened, my day did NOT go as planned." Sometimes things turn out for the best and sometimes things turn out for the worst. 

As my family and I are approaching our second year of the loss of our 3rd baby girl Annabelle. I couldn't help but be so grateful that one little life changed our life completely. At the time I wasn’t grateful at all. When you loose something that alters your life in such a way that everything seems to be heading in a downward spiral with no way of knowing how you will get out of the spiral, it is pretty darn hard to be grateful. In 2014 we literally lost everything. Change became our middle name and by the end of that year we threw our hands up in the air and said "okay we get it, life is one beautiful mess and we can either choose for it to strengthen us or weaken us." In a previous blog called "The Process" I share the beginning process on how we began to rewrite our story and how we took control of our circumstances and as a family we were bound and determined to create a better outcome. Reality is, we ALL at one point or another lose in life. Whether it's a loved one, a marriage, a child, a home, finances, your ability to walk, speak or see, loss of hair, your breast due to breast cancer, prostrate cancer, a career loss, friendships etc. The list can go on and on. These moments are what really define you. The situation does not define you, but how you will react in those situations will. Any loss has the ability to launch you into greatness or launch you back into that downward spiral. It is simply a choice and a choice has to be made at one point or another.

When unexpected things happen, then what? What and how do you approach those situations? I tell myself "There ain't nothing new, fun and exciting about trying to make a predictable life." 

Life just IS unpredictable. 

I'll never forget on Dec 31st 2014, right before the New Year of 2015 we were on a 13 hour drive back home as we spent Christmas in Texas with my husband's family. On the road my husband gets a call from a co-worker from his job saying "Ryan, just so you know, someone just got let go, I quit and another employee just walked out so when you get back to work a new management took over and you can stay or you might loose your job." I remember laughing and saying "HA! Welcome Home and Happy New Year to us!" At this point in our lives we had already been through the worst possible thing in our life, loosing a child and much, much more, so nothing really phased us. We were just kind of numb to any other loss because nothing could come close to the loss we had just experienced. 

For us the loss of our daughter lit a fire under us to stop putting up with nonsense in our life. We've learned that once you stop tolerating the nonsense the easier it is to recognize when nonsense is creeping in and the easier it is to walk away from that nonsense. My husband and I both worked for poor management and leadership before so we knew immediately working for bad management again was just not an option. So we looked at each other and knew exactly what decision to make. Yup! When we got home Ryan went into work on Jan 1st 2015 and put in his notice. The hard part was, Now What? 

2015 rolls around and Ryan quit his job and here we were taking life by the horns again and saying "we've been through worse we will manage and get through this." And we did. 2015 we decided to own our story, take responsibly for where we were and not take life for granted. We excepted the challenges life presented us and in return, doing so has only made us stronger. And not just stronger but stronger together. 

I find myself being redundant as I try to describe our 2015 year. The one description I keep saying is "I feel like I am living in an upside down world" 

I imagine me and my family in space. It's the one mental picture I see over and over again. Here we are floating in our outer space. The feelings of being weightless, out of reach and to say what is up or what is down would just depend. But there is a gravitational pull. A pull of objects moving toward us. But what are the objects? The only objects I see is my family. Those objects are us. Us as a family pulling toward each other. Even though it feels as though we are floating I can also feel this strong sense of how gravity feels on earth pulling us toward the ground. So where is ground for us? Well, I'll tell you. Wherever our feet are. 

We've learned to see life as endless opportunities. And in 2015 opportunities sure came to us. I truly believe the only reason why opportunities came to us was because we made the decision to see life full of opportunities. Remaining open to ALL this life has to offer us. 

Possibilities are endless when you open your eyes and mind to new solutions. 

I believe life will keep putting you in a certain direction until you realize whatever it is that you need to learn in order to move on in a new direction for your life. For us, bad management and leadership was already something we put up with for years. We stayed and stayed "hoping" things would get better only to see the same cycles repeat themselves over and over again. It's deceiving because things can look better but really when you open your eyes you can see the cycle repeating itself. How do you know if your eyes are open or not? Well, have you ever heard the saying "I am so sick of being sick and tired?" Yeah, well that's what it looks like when your eyes finally open. You STOP putting up with the nonsense and say enough is enough and finally become the person you were meant to be all along. Let me tell you it's SO hard at first, but remember this is life. It is NOT easy. It was never meant to be that way. Things don't always go as planned. It is UNPREDICTABLE. But what is your approach and how are you going to react to it? I can tell you this, when you take that step to break the mold you will find the opportunities you've been searching for were waiting for YOU to make that decision. This is when change really kicks in like a rocket ship sending you into outer space. You too might feel like you're living in an upside down world. Know that you are not alone my friend.

Maybe your world feels upside down. Maybe your life hasn't gone as planned. For me at the age of 20 I had my life all planned out. Fast forward to now being 33 I'm like "WOW, my plan did NOT go as planned." There comes a time though where you have to become okay with it. Maybe it seems as though all odds are against you. DON'T let them stop you. We limit ourself more then the limits that we actually face. We can face those limits and try, try again until one day those limits don't define us but we define them. Become LIMITLESS. You can and You will.

So this upside down feeling has become hard for me to grasp but sure fun for me to learn. Yes, our life has not gone as planned, but that's the way it's supposed to be. I think it's great to have goals, dreams and desires but you have to understand you have an entire lifetime to see those goals, dreams and desire come to pass. Don't be like me and look at lists as if all the check boxes need to be checked off right now. Look at the ones you do check off and give yourself a hand clap for that. Maybe I'll take my own advice...I'm still learning too.

I used to think I wasted so many years prior to now and it feels as though my life has just begun when in reality that is not true. Everything prior to this has not been wasted. It is what has molded me and shaped me to be who I am today. It has become part of my story. Don't get down about your mistakes, learn from them and become better. Gaining this new perspective has made me appreciate every step. I look at every little detail and I'm thankful for the good and the bad. I remind myself over and over again "Good outweighs the bad every time." I mean even Disney knows that. There is a time and a season for everything. Don't skip ahead, stay focused its worth it. Life has a way of just working itself out. Whatever your day looks like or situation may be, take a deep breath and know everything is going to be okay. Search for possibilities, dig deep to find solutions, and be open minded to new ways. Something good is longing to come your way. In the meantime embrace this upside down world. It is situations like this that can make you or break you. Let it make you a better and stronger person. I guarantee there will come a day you will look at yourself in the mirror loving yourself and the life you are living. Why? Because you're worth it, that's why! 

Eventually your upside down world will begin to fill like it is right side up. 

A Little Piece of History: Grandma you will be missed.

Before I begin I would like to say a big thank you to my Dad and sister Lisa for helping me write this blog and of course my husband who reads and re reads every blog I write. Not only does he read my blogs he is also so patient with me as he listens to me talk out all my thoughts until they become clear on paper. So, THANK YOU!

This Holiday Season has been a whirlwind for my family and immediate family. A whirlwind that has caused some very strong winds, involving a rush of events and a stirring of emotions which COULD have resulted in destruction. I have learned though that through this process sometimes a whirlwind needs to happen in order for something new to transpire. Destruction is a horrible event in any situation. I mean think about it, anytime a tornado hits a city, a terrorist bombs a city, etc... loss tends to follow. A loss is never easy but what amazes me is when a crowd of people come together after destruction and work together to rebuild a city and gather around to spread love throughout the lives that have been wounded or effected by the harm that was done to them. In these moments a choice has to be made in order for the rebuilding to begin. If you want to take it a step further not only does a choice have to be made but an action must be made in order to move in a certain direction with the hope that a healthier outcome will be accomplished. 

On December 18, 2015 my family lost my Grandmother. Which meant my dad and his brothers lost a mom, my Aunt and Uncle lost a sister, extended family members lost a loved one and my grandmothers friends lost a friend. A loss effects a strand of people and each strand has a different effect and a different way of grieving. For me my grandmother was the last one of my grandparents living and I found myself not wanting to let go. I wanted to hold my grandmother close and not say goodbye as it felt we were losing a little piece of history in our family. In my world it seemed as though everything surrounding me made me think about my grandmother and the life she lived. I remember one day I went to work and the first three people I served were grandparents taking their grandkids out to eat. Then, I happen to ask a guest "so what are your plans for the holidays?" His response was "Oh I'm going to my girlfriends house to make cookies with her grandparents." What a melt your heart moment right? It is crazy to me what life brings your way in order to remind you of what is happening in your own personal life. Within these moments lay little nuggets to see beauty in what may seem to be a not so beautiful time. After many more instances I decided to take a step back and think about the situation that caused a whirlwind in my family and choose to remember the beautiful life my grandmother lived. Often times I remind myself of something I wrote almost two years ago in my "Lavender Fields" blog post when grieving from the loss of my third daughter Annabelle. And that was I thought there had to be this "Goodbye moment" but rather than a Goodbye I learned its not about saying Goodbye but rather saying Goodbye to the grief that death can bring and choosing to see the beauty in the life that all along is meant to be celebrated and remembered. 

And so this is my remembrance.

A LITTLE PIECE OF HISTORY:  
Some say you had no memory of who we were.

You didn't call us by name.

Most of the time we couldn't make sense of what you were trying to say. 

Dementia and Alzheimer's may have taken a piece of who you were but on the inside laid a piece of you that never changed.   

There you were still life of the party, that strong Italian voice you could hear clear through the halls. You were still the boss and no one had a say so, yup that's right Angela still ran the show. At the end of your life you lived life with the help of caregivers and some may say that wasn't much of living at all. But I see it differently, because a life alive still has purpose after all. You still remembered, just not the way we would hoped it would be. 

You were like a newborn baby learning this new life and just like any baby does a couple of years go by and they become aware of their surroundings and recognize familiar faces. Eventually you found your new home, you found your new friends, you even found little jobs to do, I'd say you found life again. 

The times we came to visit you seemed happy. You would show us around, tell us about your job and what a good job you were doing. We celebrated the holidays, your birthdays, had dinners and went out for treats too. Occasionally you would remember something, but then quickly forget twice as much. When you heard music you'd sing and dance, you'd tell your jokes, repeat your one liners and share with us your stories. When you saw the great grand kids they would give you hugs and kisses and that would make you smile. There were days of joy and days of sorrow.

Though you still had life we could tell this life was quickly fading. It's hard to except, hard to understand, hard to let go, hard to control the thoughts and emotions of seeing you that way. But knowing who you are on the inside made each day worth while. They say it's what's on the inside that counts and I'd say all along that has proven to be true. 

The person you are never gave up, you kept pushing through. You are a fighter, a constant reminder that at the age of 82 you lived a life that most can't comprehend. A little Italian girl born and raised in a small town called Cella Mare, near the city of Bari, Italy born in 1933, you recall how the Germans invaded your town and how medicine was not easy to get. You recalled how the Germans tried to barter for food in exchange for medicine and how you stood up to them and refused! You lived through World War II, the oldest daughter of seven kids, playing the role of the second mother not having much of a childhood. At the age of 17 holding the rails of the ship "The Constitution" braving your journey to a new land in the U.S., not speaking one word of English, only having a 4th grade school education, but that didn't stop you. In the great city of Chicago you met a man named Adolfo Lavorata to marry in the year 1954. 

The two of you raised four handsome boys Guido, John, Mike and Albert. You worked, at Salerno Butter Cookies, Motorola, and did odd jobs at restaurants to help subsidize the families income as your husband Adolfo worked construction. There you two were investing your money to keep this life going. Adolfo built your dream home in the suburb of Bloomingdales, IL where your boys grew and as each was finding their way. 

Years later Adolfo had an idea. To move to a small town so the two of you could build a prosperous business. In an unknown town called Cadott, Wisconsin their was 120 acres of land and a small cafe on the corner of the property bordering Highway 29 and Highway 27 "seemed crazy but why not, let's do it." You changed the name of the cafe to Angela's Truck Stop. Making a name for yourself, and I think that's pretty cool. As the years went by "The Lavorata Corporation" was developed and started distributing homemade Italian food: like the Lavorata's sauce, frozen Panzerotti's, Ravioli's, Cannelloni and Manicotti. Adolfo branched out and bought a Ravioli machine for $50,000 where you could mass produced larger quantities to local stores across the states of Wisconsin and Illinois. Outside of the business one tradition you shared was your capability to prepare a Saint Joseph's table filled with wonderful Italian foods that you shared with the community for over 30 years and gave donations from the meals to charity. Your legacy, traditions, time and labor was built not just for you but for your sons, their wives and kids, along with the extension of love toward so many others lives too.   

As the family grew. All the boys married, having children of their own. Pursuing their passions and dreams you and Adolpho discovered it was time to sell Angela's Truck Stop and the Land and find a warmer climate to move to. Chandler, Arizona was the place you called home for the next 18years. A beautiful home with a back yard big enough for grandpa to plant his trees and garden. A pantry, laundry room and kitchen with enough room to prep and store all the homemade Italian cooking traditions. The two of you kept up and celebrated 55 years of marriage. With this life that you two created most would say is impossible, but you two didn't look at the impossible you just did it and you did it together.

As I sit here writing out my thoughts I can't help but think about how much more there is to share. I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface with the depth of this rich history between these two beautiful people. Here I am, just one out of 12 grandkids that was blessed with grandparents that understood life more than most. Sitting in the background trying to understand all that my grandparents had to sacrifice just to come to the U.S. I can't even pretend like I understand. Here I am living this life that seems like everything my grandparents worked for I have at my fingertips and I don't even think I realize it. 

After my grandfather passed I remember thinking "what is going to happen now? Is grandma going to be okay? Does this mean all the boys will have to carry the financial load providing for their mother?" But no! Even though my grandfather passed, once again he thought things through. He may have been gone from this earth but he lived on providing a life for my grandmother and made sure she was well taken care of financially for the rest of her life. Six years went by and on December 18, 2015 @ 6:00pm my grandmother Angela Pasqua Losurdo Lavorata decided to join him. 

People travel the world to behold a piece of history, but my grandparents gave us history. Something beautiful happens when history is told. People begin to remember, tell stories and keep retelling and retelling all the wonderful memories that will forever remain living. I am thankful for my roots that are planted so deep. Life is precious let's not take it for granted.

Grandma I imagine you now just like this picture. Young and beautiful, strong and witty, laughing and dancing, with every part of you functioning. You lived a beautiful life and that's what we are remembering. Rest in Peace Grandma you are now living.  

Why 3am?

Before I start this next blog I'd like to take a minute and dedicate this blog to two of my dear friends. You know who you are. I will never forget our spontaneous trips to California. Little did I know 10+ years later our trips would serve such a great purpose at this particular time in my life, especially at 3AM. May this bless everyone who reads it. Enjoy reading.

3AM Seems to be more common in my world than I'd like. 

Can anyone relate? 

I can't really pin point the reason why this happens because it has happened on many different occasions. 

It's like having two alarm clocks. My brain has one and then my phone alarm has another. Let me just say, mornings are not my strong suite. Just wishfully thinking right now, if this were at all possible I'd like to make an even trade. If I could wake up eyes wide open, ready to go like I do at 3am and make that my usual morning wake up I'd be golden. But in my real world, alarm goes off at 7am and I can't get up worth anything. On any given normal day I swear I could sleep till noon. But I'm not a 13 year old on summer break anymore. I'm a mom who has a job that requires all of my effort and time.

So sleep would be nice but instead my 3am morning have consisted of me thinking about a project I am working on, a conversation I previously had that provoked great thought or everyday simple tasks like maybe what I want to cook for dinner or what I have on the agenda for the next day. 

Or what about the common duties of being a parent. Women you know from the time you are pregnant sleep stops. Waking up to a baby kicking your bladder that makes you go pee six times a night. The morning feedings, taking your child potty (when potty training) or waking up to your sneaking child who found their way to your bedside due to nightmares or the fact that they are not feeling well or just simply to remind you that you're a parent and so why let mom or dad sleep? I mean all parents seem to have the comfy and bigger bed right? I don't know about you but my first thought as a parent at 3am is "what now? For the love all I want is sleep." What's funny is as I'm writing this blog at 3am. Why? Well, not only did I wake up with a thought I also have a 4yr old that had to go potty so here I am writing this blog and taking my 4 yr old potty (and yes I said potty, it's just what mom's say).

Other 3am reoccurrences have involved different scenarios such as, trailing through some rough patches in my marriage, job issues, decisions that carry a great weight, and grieving, that just make for no sleep. These are the moments throughout the day that don't seem to allow us to give much time to sit or much thought to think through situations. But somewhere in between all that there seems to be a reoccurring pattern that usually happens at 3am. So, as I lay here wide awake amongst the quietness and stillness just as the water in the ocean on a dark night, I think about what my 3am's have looked like and now wonder what yours may look like. Maybe your 3am dark mornings look different than mine. You may have different circumstances than I, but I want you to know whatever the situation may be I hope you can be enlightened to know you are not alone at 3am.  

I remember a couple times (in my twenties) I took random trips to the beach. You know those random trips where no hotel was involved but sleeping in the back seat of a vehicle just beside an ocean. Food was on a whim based on the snacks you brought for the road trip or the little cash you brought along to do whatever with. Just you and a friend out to explore and change up the pace for a moment in time. As any beach seemed fitting because living in the moment was all we cared about. 

Our day went from seeing a beach full of people in the morning to just a few hours later, as night approached, the crowds of people dissipated as everyone gathered up their things to head back to wherever they came from. But there stood the ocean. The waves continued as the stars lit up the sky and beneath the surface of the water the sea life continued. 

This is 3am. I can't help but think about how all the ocean reflects so much of the constant life we live. I mean at times don't you just feel like a wave being tossed around when you get out of bed? As you knock into things and stub your toe along the way just to find a dang light so you can go to the bathroom (not that this has happened to me or anything). But other times you don't know why your are awake and there you are still tossing and turning trying to make the waves of thoughts just stop. 

Just as much as we can feel like a wave in the middle of the night we can also find rest if we look out further out beyond the shore of life. 

My family and I recently just took a trip to California. I snapped this pic not knowing I'd be waking up at 3am sharing it with you. But now that I am I have a whole new perspective of what 3am looks like. I was challenged by something as I looked at the photo and I want to challenge you to try and see what I see. If you look at the picture above and escape in your mind how you may feel like a wave of emotions or thoughts and look beyond you will see the little ripples in the water that stay steady. What I love most is to look up and see the sky line up with the ocean and imagine the creator of the universe mirroring who He is through creation. Seeing the sky line up so perfectly with the ocean reminds me how God is aligning my life so perfectly with the waves that so often occur and cause me to wake up at 3am. So instead of just tossing and turning I wake up with Him. The one who aligned the waters and the sky who set everything in motion before I was even created.  

Every time I see God's creation it unravels me to think about all the ongoing mysteries of who He is and how much He loves us. Not only did He take time to make the birds and the sky but he took time to specially handcraft each and everyone of us. He thought about you and I.

Did you know God doesn't make mistakes? He only makes beautiful things. And did you know just like creation, it was once void and empty and from that He made something quite beautiful which tells me God can make something from nothing. 

Maybe this is how your life feels. Empty, void, like a big ocean of nothingness. But maybe if you look a little further out, beyond the waves of whatever your situation my hold, your life at 3am may serve a greater purpose if we allow it to.

Just like the ocean God is constant too, time with Him is always available. It's funny how when I wake up at 3am I can hear every little detail in my home and even the crickets outside. Just think, if that happens how much more will you hear from Him? When 3am wake ups happen now I say "what is it?, do you have something you want to tell me?" Sometimes I start by reading or by writing out some thoughts. And sometimes I'll scroll through social media, fall asleep and it's not until the next day I get something I needed to be reminded of or encouraged with. Whatever it is He knows and He is there, His hand is in everything. He is constantly creating, constantly shifting, He is making you new. Sometimes it just happens at 3am when He knows you have nothing else surrounding you but Him. So, ask Him. 

May this song encourage you.