Through the Eyes of a Friend

When you have no words to say.

When you're approaching a date that altered your life in such a way that is so hard to describe.

When each day is passing and your days are fading.

When your thoughts are quickly racing and seem overbearing.

When you're lost and confused and sometimes incapable of knowing what to think.

When the very moment you have come face to face with a rush of emotions that are being tossed like a wave to and fro.

A friend comes by to pick up the pieces to fill your heart with an unfailing love.

A gentle touch that causes you to pause, then begins to tell you, you are loved, cared for and the very thing you lost is not forgotten but remembered. You find this immediately awakens you to step into a new outlook and view that maybe you've once heard before but you just needed to be reminded of again and again.

You find yourself open to hear your story but not through your eyes but through the eyes of a friend.

So here I am face to face with Feburary 15. The day I gave birth to our third daughter Annabelle Grace. Her birth was different then most but yet like so many, not letting out a single sound, a still birth that so graciously left the deepest imprints on our hearts. As she went from our arms to the arms of her Heavenly Father she left us with a new way of thinking and a new way of living. We are so thankful for her life as it gave us a new life. In previous blogs you've heard parts of our story but now I'd like for you to hear from a very dear friend of mine, as she displays beauty through the eyes of a friend.

Kristin Merwin thank you.

Annabelle Grace, Happy 2nd Birthday. 

Mommy, Daddy and your two big sisters Love and Miss you.

Please click on Kristin's link below to read her blog. Also you can stay up to date with Kristin on Instagram @themerwinzoo and keep up with her beautiful photography (pictured above) @kristinmerwin

May her blog bless you and encourage you and maybe even a friend or two.

Click Link Below

http://themerwinzoo.blogspot.com/2016/02/when-words-fail-you.html?m=1

Living in an Upside Down World

Could you imagine if we had this life we are living all figured out? I mean I know sometimes I personally wish I knew what was in store for me and my family 10 years from now. Heck, sometimes I wish I knew what today held. But I don't. Some days my plan of action goes as planned and some days I am like "what just happened, my day did NOT go as planned." Sometimes things turn out for the best and sometimes things turn out for the worst. 

As my family and I are approaching our second year of the loss of our 3rd baby girl Annabelle. I couldn't help but be so grateful that one little life changed our life completely. At the time I wasn’t grateful at all. When you loose something that alters your life in such a way that everything seems to be heading in a downward spiral with no way of knowing how you will get out of the spiral, it is pretty darn hard to be grateful. In 2014 we literally lost everything. Change became our middle name and by the end of that year we threw our hands up in the air and said "okay we get it, life is one beautiful mess and we can either choose for it to strengthen us or weaken us." In a previous blog called "The Process" I share the beginning process on how we began to rewrite our story and how we took control of our circumstances and as a family we were bound and determined to create a better outcome. Reality is, we ALL at one point or another lose in life. Whether it's a loved one, a marriage, a child, a home, finances, your ability to walk, speak or see, loss of hair, your breast due to breast cancer, prostrate cancer, a career loss, friendships etc. The list can go on and on. These moments are what really define you. The situation does not define you, but how you will react in those situations will. Any loss has the ability to launch you into greatness or launch you back into that downward spiral. It is simply a choice and a choice has to be made at one point or another.

When unexpected things happen, then what? What and how do you approach those situations? I tell myself "There ain't nothing new, fun and exciting about trying to make a predictable life." 

Life just IS unpredictable. 

I'll never forget on Dec 31st 2014, right before the New Year of 2015 we were on a 13 hour drive back home as we spent Christmas in Texas with my husband's family. On the road my husband gets a call from a co-worker from his job saying "Ryan, just so you know, someone just got let go, I quit and another employee just walked out so when you get back to work a new management took over and you can stay or you might loose your job." I remember laughing and saying "HA! Welcome Home and Happy New Year to us!" At this point in our lives we had already been through the worst possible thing in our life, loosing a child and much, much more, so nothing really phased us. We were just kind of numb to any other loss because nothing could come close to the loss we had just experienced. 

For us the loss of our daughter lit a fire under us to stop putting up with nonsense in our life. We've learned that once you stop tolerating the nonsense the easier it is to recognize when nonsense is creeping in and the easier it is to walk away from that nonsense. My husband and I both worked for poor management and leadership before so we knew immediately working for bad management again was just not an option. So we looked at each other and knew exactly what decision to make. Yup! When we got home Ryan went into work on Jan 1st 2015 and put in his notice. The hard part was, Now What? 

2015 rolls around and Ryan quit his job and here we were taking life by the horns again and saying "we've been through worse we will manage and get through this." And we did. 2015 we decided to own our story, take responsibly for where we were and not take life for granted. We excepted the challenges life presented us and in return, doing so has only made us stronger. And not just stronger but stronger together. 

I find myself being redundant as I try to describe our 2015 year. The one description I keep saying is "I feel like I am living in an upside down world" 

I imagine me and my family in space. It's the one mental picture I see over and over again. Here we are floating in our outer space. The feelings of being weightless, out of reach and to say what is up or what is down would just depend. But there is a gravitational pull. A pull of objects moving toward us. But what are the objects? The only objects I see is my family. Those objects are us. Us as a family pulling toward each other. Even though it feels as though we are floating I can also feel this strong sense of how gravity feels on earth pulling us toward the ground. So where is ground for us? Well, I'll tell you. Wherever our feet are. 

We've learned to see life as endless opportunities. And in 2015 opportunities sure came to us. I truly believe the only reason why opportunities came to us was because we made the decision to see life full of opportunities. Remaining open to ALL this life has to offer us. 

Possibilities are endless when you open your eyes and mind to new solutions. 

I believe life will keep putting you in a certain direction until you realize whatever it is that you need to learn in order to move on in a new direction for your life. For us, bad management and leadership was already something we put up with for years. We stayed and stayed "hoping" things would get better only to see the same cycles repeat themselves over and over again. It's deceiving because things can look better but really when you open your eyes you can see the cycle repeating itself. How do you know if your eyes are open or not? Well, have you ever heard the saying "I am so sick of being sick and tired?" Yeah, well that's what it looks like when your eyes finally open. You STOP putting up with the nonsense and say enough is enough and finally become the person you were meant to be all along. Let me tell you it's SO hard at first, but remember this is life. It is NOT easy. It was never meant to be that way. Things don't always go as planned. It is UNPREDICTABLE. But what is your approach and how are you going to react to it? I can tell you this, when you take that step to break the mold you will find the opportunities you've been searching for were waiting for YOU to make that decision. This is when change really kicks in like a rocket ship sending you into outer space. You too might feel like you're living in an upside down world. Know that you are not alone my friend.

Maybe your world feels upside down. Maybe your life hasn't gone as planned. For me at the age of 20 I had my life all planned out. Fast forward to now being 33 I'm like "WOW, my plan did NOT go as planned." There comes a time though where you have to become okay with it. Maybe it seems as though all odds are against you. DON'T let them stop you. We limit ourself more then the limits that we actually face. We can face those limits and try, try again until one day those limits don't define us but we define them. Become LIMITLESS. You can and You will.

So this upside down feeling has become hard for me to grasp but sure fun for me to learn. Yes, our life has not gone as planned, but that's the way it's supposed to be. I think it's great to have goals, dreams and desires but you have to understand you have an entire lifetime to see those goals, dreams and desire come to pass. Don't be like me and look at lists as if all the check boxes need to be checked off right now. Look at the ones you do check off and give yourself a hand clap for that. Maybe I'll take my own advice...I'm still learning too.

I used to think I wasted so many years prior to now and it feels as though my life has just begun when in reality that is not true. Everything prior to this has not been wasted. It is what has molded me and shaped me to be who I am today. It has become part of my story. Don't get down about your mistakes, learn from them and become better. Gaining this new perspective has made me appreciate every step. I look at every little detail and I'm thankful for the good and the bad. I remind myself over and over again "Good outweighs the bad every time." I mean even Disney knows that. There is a time and a season for everything. Don't skip ahead, stay focused its worth it. Life has a way of just working itself out. Whatever your day looks like or situation may be, take a deep breath and know everything is going to be okay. Search for possibilities, dig deep to find solutions, and be open minded to new ways. Something good is longing to come your way. In the meantime embrace this upside down world. It is situations like this that can make you or break you. Let it make you a better and stronger person. I guarantee there will come a day you will look at yourself in the mirror loving yourself and the life you are living. Why? Because you're worth it, that's why! 

Eventually your upside down world will begin to fill like it is right side up. 

A Little Piece of History: Grandma you will be missed.

Before I begin I would like to say a big thank you to my Dad and sister Lisa for helping me write this blog and of course my husband who reads and re reads every blog I write. Not only does he read my blogs he is also so patient with me as he listens to me talk out all my thoughts until they become clear on paper. So, THANK YOU!

This Holiday Season has been a whirlwind for my family and immediate family. A whirlwind that has caused some very strong winds, involving a rush of events and a stirring of emotions which COULD have resulted in destruction. I have learned though that through this process sometimes a whirlwind needs to happen in order for something new to transpire. Destruction is a horrible event in any situation. I mean think about it, anytime a tornado hits a city, a terrorist bombs a city, etc... loss tends to follow. A loss is never easy but what amazes me is when a crowd of people come together after destruction and work together to rebuild a city and gather around to spread love throughout the lives that have been wounded or effected by the harm that was done to them. In these moments a choice has to be made in order for the rebuilding to begin. If you want to take it a step further not only does a choice have to be made but an action must be made in order to move in a certain direction with the hope that a healthier outcome will be accomplished. 

On December 18, 2015 my family lost my Grandmother. Which meant my dad and his brothers lost a mom, my Aunt and Uncle lost a sister, extended family members lost a loved one and my grandmothers friends lost a friend. A loss effects a strand of people and each strand has a different effect and a different way of grieving. For me my grandmother was the last one of my grandparents living and I found myself not wanting to let go. I wanted to hold my grandmother close and not say goodbye as it felt we were losing a little piece of history in our family. In my world it seemed as though everything surrounding me made me think about my grandmother and the life she lived. I remember one day I went to work and the first three people I served were grandparents taking their grandkids out to eat. Then, I happen to ask a guest "so what are your plans for the holidays?" His response was "Oh I'm going to my girlfriends house to make cookies with her grandparents." What a melt your heart moment right? It is crazy to me what life brings your way in order to remind you of what is happening in your own personal life. Within these moments lay little nuggets to see beauty in what may seem to be a not so beautiful time. After many more instances I decided to take a step back and think about the situation that caused a whirlwind in my family and choose to remember the beautiful life my grandmother lived. Often times I remind myself of something I wrote almost two years ago in my "Lavender Fields" blog post when grieving from the loss of my third daughter Annabelle. And that was I thought there had to be this "Goodbye moment" but rather than a Goodbye I learned its not about saying Goodbye but rather saying Goodbye to the grief that death can bring and choosing to see the beauty in the life that all along is meant to be celebrated and remembered. 

And so this is my remembrance.

A LITTLE PIECE OF HISTORY:  
Some say you had no memory of who we were.

You didn't call us by name.

Most of the time we couldn't make sense of what you were trying to say. 

Dementia and Alzheimer's may have taken a piece of who you were but on the inside laid a piece of you that never changed.   

There you were still life of the party, that strong Italian voice you could hear clear through the halls. You were still the boss and no one had a say so, yup that's right Angela still ran the show. At the end of your life you lived life with the help of caregivers and some may say that wasn't much of living at all. But I see it differently, because a life alive still has purpose after all. You still remembered, just not the way we would hoped it would be. 

You were like a newborn baby learning this new life and just like any baby does a couple of years go by and they become aware of their surroundings and recognize familiar faces. Eventually you found your new home, you found your new friends, you even found little jobs to do, I'd say you found life again. 

The times we came to visit you seemed happy. You would show us around, tell us about your job and what a good job you were doing. We celebrated the holidays, your birthdays, had dinners and went out for treats too. Occasionally you would remember something, but then quickly forget twice as much. When you heard music you'd sing and dance, you'd tell your jokes, repeat your one liners and share with us your stories. When you saw the great grand kids they would give you hugs and kisses and that would make you smile. There were days of joy and days of sorrow.

Though you still had life we could tell this life was quickly fading. It's hard to except, hard to understand, hard to let go, hard to control the thoughts and emotions of seeing you that way. But knowing who you are on the inside made each day worth while. They say it's what's on the inside that counts and I'd say all along that has proven to be true. 

The person you are never gave up, you kept pushing through. You are a fighter, a constant reminder that at the age of 82 you lived a life that most can't comprehend. A little Italian girl born and raised in a small town called Cella Mare, near the city of Bari, Italy born in 1933, you recall how the Germans invaded your town and how medicine was not easy to get. You recalled how the Germans tried to barter for food in exchange for medicine and how you stood up to them and refused! You lived through World War II, the oldest daughter of seven kids, playing the role of the second mother not having much of a childhood. At the age of 17 holding the rails of the ship "The Constitution" braving your journey to a new land in the U.S., not speaking one word of English, only having a 4th grade school education, but that didn't stop you. In the great city of Chicago you met a man named Adolfo Lavorata to marry in the year 1954. 

The two of you raised four handsome boys Guido, John, Mike and Albert. You worked, at Salerno Butter Cookies, Motorola, and did odd jobs at restaurants to help subsidize the families income as your husband Adolfo worked construction. There you two were investing your money to keep this life going. Adolfo built your dream home in the suburb of Bloomingdales, IL where your boys grew and as each was finding their way. 

Years later Adolfo had an idea. To move to a small town so the two of you could build a prosperous business. In an unknown town called Cadott, Wisconsin their was 120 acres of land and a small cafe on the corner of the property bordering Highway 29 and Highway 27 "seemed crazy but why not, let's do it." You changed the name of the cafe to Angela's Truck Stop. Making a name for yourself, and I think that's pretty cool. As the years went by "The Lavorata Corporation" was developed and started distributing homemade Italian food: like the Lavorata's sauce, frozen Panzerotti's, Ravioli's, Cannelloni and Manicotti. Adolfo branched out and bought a Ravioli machine for $50,000 where you could mass produced larger quantities to local stores across the states of Wisconsin and Illinois. Outside of the business one tradition you shared was your capability to prepare a Saint Joseph's table filled with wonderful Italian foods that you shared with the community for over 30 years and gave donations from the meals to charity. Your legacy, traditions, time and labor was built not just for you but for your sons, their wives and kids, along with the extension of love toward so many others lives too.   

As the family grew. All the boys married, having children of their own. Pursuing their passions and dreams you and Adolpho discovered it was time to sell Angela's Truck Stop and the Land and find a warmer climate to move to. Chandler, Arizona was the place you called home for the next 18years. A beautiful home with a back yard big enough for grandpa to plant his trees and garden. A pantry, laundry room and kitchen with enough room to prep and store all the homemade Italian cooking traditions. The two of you kept up and celebrated 55 years of marriage. With this life that you two created most would say is impossible, but you two didn't look at the impossible you just did it and you did it together.

As I sit here writing out my thoughts I can't help but think about how much more there is to share. I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface with the depth of this rich history between these two beautiful people. Here I am, just one out of 12 grandkids that was blessed with grandparents that understood life more than most. Sitting in the background trying to understand all that my grandparents had to sacrifice just to come to the U.S. I can't even pretend like I understand. Here I am living this life that seems like everything my grandparents worked for I have at my fingertips and I don't even think I realize it. 

After my grandfather passed I remember thinking "what is going to happen now? Is grandma going to be okay? Does this mean all the boys will have to carry the financial load providing for their mother?" But no! Even though my grandfather passed, once again he thought things through. He may have been gone from this earth but he lived on providing a life for my grandmother and made sure she was well taken care of financially for the rest of her life. Six years went by and on December 18, 2015 @ 6:00pm my grandmother Angela Pasqua Losurdo Lavorata decided to join him. 

People travel the world to behold a piece of history, but my grandparents gave us history. Something beautiful happens when history is told. People begin to remember, tell stories and keep retelling and retelling all the wonderful memories that will forever remain living. I am thankful for my roots that are planted so deep. Life is precious let's not take it for granted.

Grandma I imagine you now just like this picture. Young and beautiful, strong and witty, laughing and dancing, with every part of you functioning. You lived a beautiful life and that's what we are remembering. Rest in Peace Grandma you are now living.  

Why 3am?

Before I start this next blog I'd like to take a minute and dedicate this blog to two of my dear friends. You know who you are. I will never forget our spontaneous trips to California. Little did I know 10+ years later our trips would serve such a great purpose at this particular time in my life, especially at 3AM. May this bless everyone who reads it. Enjoy reading.

3AM Seems to be more common in my world than I'd like. 

Can anyone relate? 

I can't really pin point the reason why this happens because it has happened on many different occasions. 

It's like having two alarm clocks. My brain has one and then my phone alarm has another. Let me just say, mornings are not my strong suite. Just wishfully thinking right now, if this were at all possible I'd like to make an even trade. If I could wake up eyes wide open, ready to go like I do at 3am and make that my usual morning wake up I'd be golden. But in my real world, alarm goes off at 7am and I can't get up worth anything. On any given normal day I swear I could sleep till noon. But I'm not a 13 year old on summer break anymore. I'm a mom who has a job that requires all of my effort and time.

So sleep would be nice but instead my 3am morning have consisted of me thinking about a project I am working on, a conversation I previously had that provoked great thought or everyday simple tasks like maybe what I want to cook for dinner or what I have on the agenda for the next day. 

Or what about the common duties of being a parent. Women you know from the time you are pregnant sleep stops. Waking up to a baby kicking your bladder that makes you go pee six times a night. The morning feedings, taking your child potty (when potty training) or waking up to your sneaking child who found their way to your bedside due to nightmares or the fact that they are not feeling well or just simply to remind you that you're a parent and so why let mom or dad sleep? I mean all parents seem to have the comfy and bigger bed right? I don't know about you but my first thought as a parent at 3am is "what now? For the love all I want is sleep." What's funny is as I'm writing this blog at 3am. Why? Well, not only did I wake up with a thought I also have a 4yr old that had to go potty so here I am writing this blog and taking my 4 yr old potty (and yes I said potty, it's just what mom's say).

Other 3am reoccurrences have involved different scenarios such as, trailing through some rough patches in my marriage, job issues, decisions that carry a great weight, and grieving, that just make for no sleep. These are the moments throughout the day that don't seem to allow us to give much time to sit or much thought to think through situations. But somewhere in between all that there seems to be a reoccurring pattern that usually happens at 3am. So, as I lay here wide awake amongst the quietness and stillness just as the water in the ocean on a dark night, I think about what my 3am's have looked like and now wonder what yours may look like. Maybe your 3am dark mornings look different than mine. You may have different circumstances than I, but I want you to know whatever the situation may be I hope you can be enlightened to know you are not alone at 3am.  

I remember a couple times (in my twenties) I took random trips to the beach. You know those random trips where no hotel was involved but sleeping in the back seat of a vehicle just beside an ocean. Food was on a whim based on the snacks you brought for the road trip or the little cash you brought along to do whatever with. Just you and a friend out to explore and change up the pace for a moment in time. As any beach seemed fitting because living in the moment was all we cared about. 

Our day went from seeing a beach full of people in the morning to just a few hours later, as night approached, the crowds of people dissipated as everyone gathered up their things to head back to wherever they came from. But there stood the ocean. The waves continued as the stars lit up the sky and beneath the surface of the water the sea life continued. 

This is 3am. I can't help but think about how all the ocean reflects so much of the constant life we live. I mean at times don't you just feel like a wave being tossed around when you get out of bed? As you knock into things and stub your toe along the way just to find a dang light so you can go to the bathroom (not that this has happened to me or anything). But other times you don't know why your are awake and there you are still tossing and turning trying to make the waves of thoughts just stop. 

Just as much as we can feel like a wave in the middle of the night we can also find rest if we look out further out beyond the shore of life. 

My family and I recently just took a trip to California. I snapped this pic not knowing I'd be waking up at 3am sharing it with you. But now that I am I have a whole new perspective of what 3am looks like. I was challenged by something as I looked at the photo and I want to challenge you to try and see what I see. If you look at the picture above and escape in your mind how you may feel like a wave of emotions or thoughts and look beyond you will see the little ripples in the water that stay steady. What I love most is to look up and see the sky line up with the ocean and imagine the creator of the universe mirroring who He is through creation. Seeing the sky line up so perfectly with the ocean reminds me how God is aligning my life so perfectly with the waves that so often occur and cause me to wake up at 3am. So instead of just tossing and turning I wake up with Him. The one who aligned the waters and the sky who set everything in motion before I was even created.  

Every time I see God's creation it unravels me to think about all the ongoing mysteries of who He is and how much He loves us. Not only did He take time to make the birds and the sky but he took time to specially handcraft each and everyone of us. He thought about you and I.

Did you know God doesn't make mistakes? He only makes beautiful things. And did you know just like creation, it was once void and empty and from that He made something quite beautiful which tells me God can make something from nothing. 

Maybe this is how your life feels. Empty, void, like a big ocean of nothingness. But maybe if you look a little further out, beyond the waves of whatever your situation my hold, your life at 3am may serve a greater purpose if we allow it to.

Just like the ocean God is constant too, time with Him is always available. It's funny how when I wake up at 3am I can hear every little detail in my home and even the crickets outside. Just think, if that happens how much more will you hear from Him? When 3am wake ups happen now I say "what is it?, do you have something you want to tell me?" Sometimes I start by reading or by writing out some thoughts. And sometimes I'll scroll through social media, fall asleep and it's not until the next day I get something I needed to be reminded of or encouraged with. Whatever it is He knows and He is there, His hand is in everything. He is constantly creating, constantly shifting, He is making you new. Sometimes it just happens at 3am when He knows you have nothing else surrounding you but Him. So, ask Him. 

May this song encourage you. 

How to Deal with Fear

I'm on my way home from a creative meeting about to pick my daughter up from school. I had about 30min to spare and thought "well instead of just dilly dallying why don't I stop at a Barnes and Noble and see if there is a book that catches my eye." So I did. I exited off the freeway, turned into a Barnes and Nobel, parked my vehicle and walked right in eye balling the new release section. Immediately, this book stood out to me. The title and the cover felt as though it called my name "hey, hey Gina over here." 

There it was Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. Yup! That was for me. I mean how perfect right? I just left a creative meeting so of course I want to challenge myself with Creativity.

I grabbed the book, sat down in the coffee shop and the second I opened the book I couldn't seem to digest everything I was reading fast enough. 

You know when you sit down at a restaurant and you're so hungry, you can smell the food and your taste buds are already watering just from the smell? Then you order the food and before you know it your eating so fast to the point of not even coming up for air because the food is so good? Yeah, I know this a bit too well except not so much with a restaurants food as with my Mom's. Every time I stop at my parents house my mom instantly offers to cook. God Bless Italian mom's, they can COOK! She doesn't know this but sometimes I say "Hey Ma! I'm coming over to say hi," but really I'm coming over to see what's in her fridge and it just so happens she says "oh honey have you eaten? Let me fix you something or look in the fridge, help yourself." "Okay Ma, if you insist." 

Yeah just like I know good food, I know a good book when I see it! So let's get back to the book. All of a sudden I find myself not just reading this book but I start snapping photos of almost every page because I don't want to forget about what I'm reading. I'm thinking "well I have to leave soon so I want to snap some pics so that when I get home I can go back and re-read the things I read."

I know, let's pause for a moment and I'll just ask the question for you. "Why don't I just buy the book?" Here's the thing. If I have a book at home I don't read it. I tend to consume my time at home with my kids, cleaning, cooking, writing. Other things become more of a priority so while I'm reading this book I'm thinking "if I buy this book I know it's just going to sit on my dresser." In that moment of realization I have an idea. "I know what I will do, I am going to dedicate at least 3 days out of my week to have a date with Big Magic." Yeah, that doesn't sound weird or anything. 

Anyway, but really, I decided right then I'm coming up to Barnes and Nobel and I'm going to finish this book. Why can't I enjoy 30 minutes of my time, 3 days a week just for me? So that was my life for the next week and now I want to invite you to watch this clip that I have discovered along the way while reading this book. But first, if your anything like me, meaning, if you came from or are in a religious upbringing or were in the surroundings of a strict or very cautious world. Two things will happen when you watch this. 1) It will resonate with you and will instantly give you freedom or 2) It will jerk any negative thought you've had about this topic and you will want to challenge this thought with every tool you think you may have to squash it. Trust me! I understand. When I first heard this I wanted to argue this point and go straight to a source that would try to eliminate this topic out of my life. So, if this happens while watching this video here is what I did for you. I attached another video from another author "Brendon Burchard" that I highly recommend as well. Hopefully by watching both it will break you free and allow you to live a life beyond fear which will maximize your creativity that already lives on the inside of you waiting to burst forth in your life. Enjoy!

The Process

As I continue with my story I first want to say thank you so much for taking time to read my blogs. Your support and feedback has meant and continues to mean the world to me. When starting the I Am Crowned Project Blog it was very important to me to be honest and real about my story. In the process of sharing my story, it has been, well, just that, a process. Little did I know being honest and real with myself was one thing but being real with an audience has put a whole knew perspective on things. It has challenged me to think differently, see differently and appreciate everyone’s life on a broad scale, realizing everyone faces something everyday. And I want you to know there is something special about your story. You never know when or how you can help someone with your story. These last couple of months I have had to face some reality within my own story. The reality of some repetitive questions that have been racing through my mind like, "how can I put everything into words?" "Is this even worth sharing?" "What was I thinking, maybe I wasn't thinking?" The fact is we all go to bed and wake up with thoughts on our mind. Some thoughts may be about the mundane things of life, but other times those thoughts can be haunting and wearing that stirs up doubt and fear. I want you to know doubt and fear are made to paralyze us in the process of moving forward in life. Anytime we are faced with doubt and fear that should tell us that it is time to face some things head on so that a new reality kicks in. Our minds have the power to create any story we want. The goal should be that we create the truth rather than believing in thoughts that are not even a reality. Realizing the truth about our situation will free us to look beyond what we see, sense, and feel in our moments of doubt and fear. In this blog I want to help you shift your perspective so that you can see life as a beautiful process. So, let’s begin the process. 

As summer comes to an end and school is back in session I couldn’t help but sit back and reflect on how far my family and I have come. This summer was quite different for us as a family than last year. If you have read my previous blog “The Why” well that was what my last summer looked like for me. The Why was a turning point in our families life. It set the foundation for us as a family to dig deeper in areas of our personal life that we normally wouldn’t tackle and it also allowed us to face some real and intimate moments with God. The results have drawn us closer together as family and most importantly drawn us closer to God.

Many of you know either from knowing us or from my blogs that we were in ministry for quite sometime. Last spring we resigned from working at a church, along with leaving the church which I grew up in for 21 years. For me not only did I grieve over the loss of our daughter Annabelle but I also grieved as I felt I lost a piece of me when we left ministry and the church I grew up in. I can confidently say my identity was wrapped up in what I did and where I was in ministry. I am not proud of this by any means but I will say I am proud of myself for recognizing truth about my situation. After realizing this I began to see my life as a blank slate and began to write my own story. Your identity should never be wrapped up based on what you do but rather who YOU are. So the real question is “WHO ARE YOU?” 

When my husband decided to resign he then pursued sports and exercise training and rehab starting in March 2014. He went through 3 different changes in that field in less than 9 months. Even though the changes were stressful for our family, financially my husband did everything he could to keep us afloat along with friends and family that helped us out tremendously. Leading up to the end of May this year my husband was approached by our very good friend with an opportunity in Real Estate. To be honest the last thing I wanted was another change. My mind and thoughts and emotions could not handle anymore and so when my husband approached me with this opportunity I gasped and all I could say was “I can’t do this again. I can’t go through anymore change.” This was my first reality. I didn’t know how to handle change.

For the most part I believe Women long for stability and security and Men long to have purpose and value. Both roles require understanding each other. 

So here we were, both my husband and I were on this search to find stability and security, and purpose and value. I remember the night before Ryan was about to start real estate school, we were sitting on the couch and I couldn’t wrap my mind around how any of this was going to work. Yet again I never understood how anything was going to work out for us in what we had already experienced in the previous year. I asked a series of questions not to badger my husband but questions that would require us to come together and allow each of us to walk through this process to understand this next step (BIG difference). We walked through every obstacle you can imagine this night. We were both frustrated to no end and feeling like we were getting nowhere in our conversation. Reality was we actually were. We were asking each other straight up real questions not beating around the bush (hence lots of "why" questions). Something we had not done before. I finally asked Ryan “can you see yourself giving 100% to real estate?" He said “Yes.” That very next day he started real estate school and here was my chance to embrace change. The change for me was finding my identity in being a mom which I wrote about in my "Keep Climbing" blog. 

I knew I married a hard worker but there is a big difference between being a hard worker and being a hard worker who is fruitful. We have experienced both. The work we did before I can say was good and we had fruitful moments but WE, our family, was not fruitful. Meaning we were tired, drained and unhealthy. It's like we would experience good things happening but nothing would take root in order for fruit to continue to produce. Let me tell you if your marriage can stick it out through the hard times where the seed that your casting doesn't seem to take root, the fact that you are still casting that seed should be encouragement enough. Never stop throwing seed out there because one of the seeds will take root in good soil and fruit will begin to grow. The next step: Understanding the process. A healthy process. 

Nature gives us the best example of what the process is like. When planting a tree it starts with a seed and as you tend to the seed and soil and give it its daily nutrition, that seed begins to take root and something takes place beneath the surface that we can't see. The goal is that this seed takes root in good soil and then giving it what it needs to grow it begins the Process of Waiting to see a tree begin to sprout from the ground. 

When my husband and I went through counseling our counselors, Sean and Lina Flannagan, invested so much time into us helping us walk out our thoughts, questions and struggles. They did not give us a to do list, they did not separately tell us what each of us needed to do better, and they did not paint this picture perfect world that seemed so unattainable. Instead they helped us see a different perspective to be able to walk through this life together victoriously. This was the seed sowing in our process. It created a shift in our hearts and minds to realize that we both have different strengths we can offer each other through the process and that is what started the change in our lives. This part of our story has taken a lot of work, and waiting, to understand the process and although the work has not been easy it most definitely has been worth it. 

If you are desiring a new perspective, a shift to take place in your life so that you can experience a new life; “CHANGE and UNDERSTANDING" is just part of the process.

The Process of life became more clear to me as I allowed myself to be open to the process. How do you know when you are open to the process of life? I’ll tell ya! “When you allow others to speak into your life.” And not just anyone but people that have walked through some life (you know, the gritty stuff) and can be real about the process of life with you. There is so much freedom when you discover you don't have to walk out this process alone. God of course is the ultimate healer however I believe he puts people in our lives to gain counsel from. Seeking wise counsel is a sign of maturity and humility. Proverbs 1:5 says “A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels."  

One beautiful reality that I have had thus far as I dig deeper into my story is knowing the process is a journey, a life long journey that does not have an end but rather keeps taking me further along than I ever imagined I can go. There might be check points along the way, but the process never ends. Therefore, I am not waiting for a season to be over, rather I am embracing every season I get as an opportunity to create and recreate what used to be and what is to come in this beautiful life God gave me. I have been replaying and replaying this song all summer. The lyrics say “In the process, in the waiting your making melodies over me. And your presence is the promise for I am pilgrim on a journey.” This is how I look at my life now. I see it as a beautiful melody and new songs constantly being written over me. I love how David simply writes it in Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a NEW SONG in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him.” 

(The whole chapter is absolutely worth reading so I encourage you to read more).  

This summer I saw a part of our story rewritten. From last summer we were lost, frail, broken and confused, and we were hanging onto hope as if it were a fraying rope about to snap. However, we took time to embrace some necessary change to rewrite this part of our story. An unknown author once said "Freedom is found when we let go of who we're supposed to be and embrace who we really are." My husband and I are constantly reminding each other to embrace who Ryan and Gina really are. When we live a life to see beyond the obstacles we find hope. Look at each morning as a new day. Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT says "Every morning we start a new day. The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." 

I encourage you to dig deep and find that place where it's time for you to allow God to rewrite your story or a new song inside your heart. I heard this at a conference I just recently attended from Craig Groeschel “If you focus on one thing that you can improve in and become at least 5% better this year than you were before than you are making progress.” Making some progress is better than none at all. All it takes is one seed to land on good soil, necessary nutrition and care, and the roots begin to dig deep. Soon the tree sprouts up from the ground and fruit begins to appear. Soon after that you will enjoy the fruit that you worked so hard for. Never stop planting and never stop growing. Philippines 1:6 says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Allow God to write your story. There is no better author out there than the One who created you. He will lead you, but you have to Live it out! 

Before I close out this blog I want you to know it is very important to me as I share about my own experiences that I provide some great resources for you as well. The counselors that I mentioned earlier in this blog are Sean and Lina Flannagan of Solid Life International. They are honest, trustworthy, and caring people who are available to help. You can reach them @ lina@solidlifeinternational.com 

Also, as you listen to this song, may it encourage you!

"Embrace the Beautiful Process of Life"

Keep Climbing (Pause in the Blog)

My world consist of girls, girls, and more girls! Around here we embrace tutus, dolls, girlfriends, glitter, coloring, cooking, baking, creating movies, make believe, fashion shows, make up, flowers, butterfly's and sunshine. We also embrace days where we are cooped up in a house where there is whining, screaming, arguing, laundry out the wazoo, dishes like Mount Everest, and toys scattered like sea shells on a seashore. Each moment can have its ups and downs.

In my life I have chosen to be a mom. And there have been times where I have asked myself "what the heck was I thinking." Then I think of the million other things I tried to do in my lifetime and that's when I remember those other things just never seemed to work out for me.

We all from time to time can get wishful of other things or envious of another one others life. But can I tell you this. You are GREAT! You have a purpose and you have a life worth living and sharing. Your life means something. Maybe you don't feel like it does now but know that it does. Your past, mistakes and failures don't define you. What defines you is seeing every obstacle as an opportunity to overcome and become a better and healthier you.

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? If so, I'm sure along the way you've stop to look back and see how far you've climbed and then as you look out at the view you realize what seemed small at first now is a broad view of only what's to come once you've reach the peak of the mountain. Then once you've reach the peak hopefully you rest and enjoy not only how far you've come but you take in the beautiful views in which you worked so hard to see.

The other day I watched my two girls with their two girlfriends carry around a mini case full of make up. That evening my girlfriend and I took the girls to three different locations. At every location the girls would put on their make up, then they would pull out the make up remover wet wipes, wipe off their faces and reapply more and more make up. This occurred multiple times within the evening. A couple days later I was looking through my pictures and every time I looked at them one thing came to mind. "These girls were sure embracing their life and living it well." I cherish these moments because within these moments kids tend to show you the practicality of life that we so often times forget. So, I paused to take it all in and in this moment I grasped on to my thought "Embrace the life you live and live it well." I reflected and remembered there was a time I used to look at motherhood as a meaning less task. It was something I chose so therefore I had to do it. The enjoyment and fulfillment wasn't really there because I was just doing it because I had to. Motherhood has been one of my mountains so as I've been climbing it I stopped and I looked out at my view and what seemed so small at first just got WAY bigger. I didn't just see it as a meaningless task, I now see it as meaningful lives that were given to me as a gift and this gift I don't take lightly. Some people may have seen two moms talking away and there were our daughters putting bright red lipstick on their lips and glitter eyeshadow all over their eyes. Rather than getting caught up in what others may think I thought "this is my life and I think I'm living it pretty well.

Maybe you've experienced this or maybe this is new news to you. Whether your a mom, a dad, own a business, career driven, a student in college, a grandparent, retired or still searching, I want to encourage you. Just like my viewpoint on motherhood at first was pretty small and pretty crappy to say the least. Here it is: "The more you climb the better the view gets." Life is not easy and at times it's pretty crappy but along the way take moments to pause and reflect. Think about all the things you've been through and how far you've come? Guess what? Just like you have come far in some areas, whatever you are facing today you will get through it. Life is also beautiful and rewarding too. Keep climbing.

~E M B R A C E  T H E  L I F E  Y O U  L I V E  
A N D  
L I V E  I T  W E L L~